The Word That Hurts Your Leadership
I have written before that one of the biggest professional development power moves in law enforcement is public speaking. The ability to command a room, hold an audience's attention, and speak confidently on camera or at a press conference is a skill that separates good officers from great leaders.
As I have recently discovered, equally important to speaking publicly are the words we choose and understanding how they affect the people around us. This particular point showed up at home.
My wife told me that she often felt dismissed during our conversations. This was not only a surprise to me, but I had no idea what I was doing that came across as dismissive. What I discovered was that my use of the word "but" was likely the culprit.
Loved One: "I really want to travel to Europe. I have never been there and would love to take a vacation."
Clueless Me: "But we have to find someone to take care of the dog and I have several work commitments to deal with."
Starting my response with "but" may in fact have been the total deal killer. That one word dismissed everything she asked and puts my concerns in front of hers.
”One word dismisses everything. Another word includes it.”
I discovered the better choice is "and."
Less Clueless Me: "And we will need to figure out the dog care and my work schedule."
By starting with "and" I have added my concerns to the conversation rather than canceling hers. Her desire to travel is still on the table. My concerns are valid and now so is her idea.
Now think about how this plays out in a daily leadership conversation.
Officer: "Chief, I think we should consider adding a community liaison position. It would help with some of the neighborhood concerns we have been getting."
Chief: "But we tried something similar a few years ago and it did not work out."
Conversation over. The Chief just pushed their concerns to the front and unintentionally told the officer their idea had no value. Even if the Chief was interested, the officer will likely not feel as if the discussion can continue.
Now with one word changed:
Officer: "Chief, I think we should consider adding a community liaison position. It would help with some of the neighborhood concerns we have been getting."
Chief: "And the neighborhood concerns are real. Walk me through what you are thinking."
The Chief has not committed to anything. No budget approved. No promises made. The officer's point about the neighborhood concerns and their idea to address it have been acknowledged.
That is a completely different leadership outcome produced by a single word. This way of thinking about our language works on the street, in roll call, at community meetings, and in every routine conversation you will have as a leader.
It’s also guaranteed to improve marriages.
"But" closes doors.
"And" keeps them open.
The best leaders are not just decisive. They are deliberate about every word.
This piece first ran in The Edge, my newsletter for law enforcement professionals. Subscribers get it first.
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